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evildrumstix8816
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Name: Kaylyn
Gender: Female
Interests: Archery, music (guitar and percussion), watching bands play, star gazing, hanging out with friends, sewing, crocheting, rabbits, snowboarding, laying on the beach, swimming when I get the chance, living life
Expertise: Falling into hard situations to get out of, being stuck between a rock and hard place...I have terrible luck. You probably don't want to associate with me, my bad luck will probably screw up your life too...
Occupation: Student
Message: message me
AIM:  evildrumstix8816
Member Since:
9/24/2003
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| i've said i'll always be a friend and there for you and you've said the same thing back to me. yet, i'm invisible until you need me. maybe, maybe i needed someone today. i needed someone to be there for me and you couldn't be bothered to talk to me for 5 minutes. i'm tired of being taken advantage of. maybe it's best if we stop. maybe we should go back to being two strangers in a room.
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| ...I'm questioning everything that's said to me. I want it to stop. Please stop. I can't take this. It ruins relationships. It ruins friendships. Why can't I just trust that people mean what they say and are doing what they tell me? This has to stop. Everyone is not out to just drag me along and dump me when it's the best time for them.
I need strength and guidance and peace. Please grant me that. | | |
| And so it begins. Summertime with Sandi. It's 11:53 am and she is just now emerging from her room to actually do anything. I've been up for approximately 3 hours--if not longer and I slept in today. This is why there are so many fights over the laundry and why she gets the "crappy" chores to do around the house.
The music, by the way, was Once Nothing's "Then There Were Nine."
I know I probably posted a similar entry about this time last year, but I'm so blessed with the community that I've found on the South Side. I was there for exactly three short months last summer--merely a flash in the pan (or as I like to think of it, another flash of colored hair). But, I formed friendships based on traits that mattered--not what clothes I wore, how well I could keep up with everyone at drinking or that I could get what wanted from guys. Friendships based on caring for one another and compassion. Yeah, sure, I can go back to high school and college friends and everyone is all hugs, but I worked on building those relationships for years. I just lack the words to describe how it feels to show up on a random Sunday and receive a plethora of hugs and have someone who has nothing else to do but smoke a clove and get coffee with me for a good portion of the afternoon.
Or better yet, someone go on an intense mission to find a wire hanger or an offer to crash on a couch for the night until someone could bring me a key to my locked car (which contained my normal set of keys) only an hour before he was playing at a show. Or someone's girlfriend, who I don't even know her name, offering to find me the AAA number so I could get myself out of my own demise. | | |
| So I've had this blog for about 6 years--give or take a few months. I feel like my life is a mess right now. I mean, well, it pretty much is a mess considering I've been temporarily living places for the past two years (Italy, summer research, home, school dorms, home for break, school dorms, home for 2 weeks, Pittsburgh for 3 months, the Little Blue House, home for some random breaks, back to school, now home for 3 months and then to Pittsburgh). Physically, I've accumulated a ton of crap. Every time I moved in and out of school sophomore and freshman year, I took stuff home and left it there. Over the past year, I haven't actually moved back into my home in Summerhill, so all of my crap just stayed with me from Pittsburgh to LBH. Moving home over the past few days has been horrific. My mom started using my room as a storage space so there is a bunch of stuff in there that isn't mine and I can't really move anywhere. There's all of my old stuff, then there's all of my stuff from school plus my bed (because that moved with me) that needs moved back in. When I got home Tuesday, I had to just overhaul all of my "space" at home (the attic and my room). I always thought of myself as a slightly cluttered person--and I am. However, the cluttered physical space has really been a manifestation of my cluttered mental state.
Flashback to two years ago. I was probably fighting with Joel before being incredibly nervous about going to Italy. There were no sorority problems, I had reassessed my life and I wanted to take on a forensics concentration instead of biochemistry. My life was pretty much figured out minus the love life part of if. Well, in a way I had that figured out. I thought I knew who I was and what I wanted in life--boy was I wrong. I've really been struggling with my identity over the past year. I'm kind of at a loss for what I actually want to do with life. I've lost all confidence with guys--to the point where I usually end up just asking what is up before there is time for anything to happen. I've kind of gotten crushed in that arena over the past year. I've just changed and I need a change. I can't take the soul devouring Loretto and even Cambria county anymore. Most of this summer will probably be spent on my own because as nice as every one's promises of "oh, we'll be hanging out so much because of..." it never happens that way. Camp will be a really welcome break from a lot of time spent alone. Ugh, I'm done for now. I can't put myself in a mood before I try to sleep. | | |
| The semester ate me alive. On paper, my semester was a breeze--in reality, I usually left the house by 8:45am at the latest and never got back until 8:30 pm (and that was early).
Anyway, I had so much I wanted to write about all semester, but my life didn't allow time to blog--I didn't even get to write Dave Salge any letters. My whirl wind spring break trip went well. I didn't like USC as much as I did on paper. I think LA intimidated me, but it wasn't really a friendly city.
I got back and had a week before all hell broke completely loose. For about 2 months I had something going on every weekend. I will essentially chronicle the last half of my semester by weekend events
March 12-14th--got pissed about boys, called my sister at 2 am, got stuck going to NYC for pep band. We won ergo, more confusion for next weekend.
March 19-21: (St. Patty's day was fun, initiation went well, go team stealth) Youth Rally, one of my campers got sick at 6:25am, drove to Pittsburgh in time for worship at hot metal, proceeded to watch SFU get slaughtered by Ohio State
March 26-28: Visited Pitt, really enjoyed it. Watched a play at Carlow, Zeta retreat went well, worked on HPLC from 10pm to 4am.
Easter Break (was exhausted from the all nighter research/trying write my thesis/generating a presentation) hung out at Maggie's Holy Thursday, laughed out loud when I received a text from someone that night, made pigs in the blanket, hung out with the family--minus Sandi because she's lame and didn't come home.
April 9-11: (Change a Heart never called me back about visiting, so I declined to go any further in their application process, got a date for senior formal) Presented at the ACS mini meeting at Duquesne, Zeta formal, desperately trying to pull my thesis presentation together.
April 16-18: (Decided on Pitt, thesis presentation pulled together. Thank God) had to sleep in the honors house Friday night because of crazy people at my house, Relay for Life, Greek Idol into a crazy Greek Week
April 23-25 (Greek Week ate my soul and I had about 6 mini break downs) worked, for the first time since St. Patty's day, went to the LPG after some encouragement from Cait and Anne, Anne, Kateri and I ended up at Theta with their crazy alumni and Menta.
April 30th-May 2nd (Everything was due at once, President's award convocation was ok, Bourdess came up to LPG with us, was up till 5am writing a final paper, slept in the rock room, went to work, enjoyed my last Donut Heaven) saw Petey in a series of monologues, had to let the girl who is renting Lola's room in--fucking guinea pigs, currently on the futon, hanging out with Aaron tomorrow.
Hmm, sleep sounds fantastic about now. I miss you xanga. Now that I have time, I will write about relevant and thought provoking things...
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